Tonight, I am moving into my very first apartment. I have been bringing my stuff over for the past couple days but it isn’t the same as actually spending my first night there. This is a goal I had for myself since the beginning of my senior year of college. I wanted to say that I moved out of my parents place Sept 1st, I wanted to show that I was going to be a successful adult and I wanted my parents to be proud of me. Especially since earlier on in the year I decided that I was no longer going to go to graduate school right away. If ever. I am excited but there’s a lot I didn’t expect, and with that there’s also this genuine feeling of grief.
I expected my fiance would be coming with me earlier in the year. I’ve known for a while now that he wasn’t ready yet and that is 100% okay. I want him to be able to take the time to work on himself and I didn’t want to rush him. However, that changed the picture I had in my head last September when I set this goal for myself. I never expected that my first apartment I would be living alone. Earlier in quarantine one of my best friends said she’d love to be my roommate and that still stands true but in the current economy it just wasn’t realistic for her skill set. So, now I move out to go live alone. I won’t be able to have any pets either. I have never before in my life lived by myself, some of it is super exciting like being able to choose to have a whole room I can dedicate to my Youtube/Tiktok/Instagram content and being able to decorate in a way that I will love. (I have ordered so much pink stuff and fanart) It’s also very scary though, I haven’t talked about it a lot online but I do have some mental health challenges, mainly ADHD and an undiagnosed blob of anxiety and feeling outside of reality when things get really stressful and being by myself, I don’t know how my brain will respond to that honestly.
Although it’s scary I do genuinely think I was ready to go though, this next step has been pushing me to make healthy changes already. I called to meet with my primary care provider for the first time in years and I’m actively looking for a therapist again. I’ve also been way more careful with my money and there is genuine joy in getting to provide a nice place for my siblings to go from time to time. I think one of the hardest things about moving for me is that I have grown very close to my 4 younger siblings that live with me and that my home has 7 other people that live there! I have been surrounded with a pretty big family for the past 11 years after my oldest younger sister that lives with me (let’s call her Usagi cause she looks just like Sailor Moon) was born. Before Usagi was born I was pretty much an only child since my family was split and my other sister lived with my other parent. Ever since then I’ve always felt like I had a solid role in my house as an older sister and being that oldest sister has always been a key part of my identity in ways I didn’t realize. Of course moving doesn’t mean that I won’t be their older sister, heck I picked out my current car in order to make sure I could fit them all in it so I could bring my little siblings to my new apartment to play D&D. I guess it’s just overwhelming to realize that it will just be my and my thoughts way more of the time. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I guess I will just have to find out.
I also feel like there is this sense of grief for childhood. I never really felt like a kid, I don’t know if anyone does really. Looking back on it, I don’t remember anything before the age of nine and a lot of my childhood is characterized by a sense of guilt of not being able to be everywhere at the same time since I was in a split family and loved all of my parents. There was a ton of great stuff too, I remember getting spoiled with books from my dad and showing off how fast I could read things and going on family trips. It’s a bittersweet mix of memories and now I am an adult. Legally you become an adult at 18 or 21 depending on where you live but me having my own place, car, phone, health insurance and life makes it really feel like childhood is truly over. I’m also in a place my parents really didn’t get to be, which makes me feel proud of us all. I just have no blueprint on where you go from here. The more I look around it seems no one does and that scares me. Although I can seem like quite the spontaneous person I like to know what the expectations are, and there just isn’t any to be had. Or not any that I like. It’s exciting and terrifying to know you can carve your own path and I guess I’m just afraid of wasting it. What if I botch it? I only get to exist in this life, in this time, with these people one time. I’m terrified that I will waste this or mess it up. Then I wonder if you live genuinely can you ever actually waste your time? So I suppose there is only one thing I can do is to live my life as true to myself as I can and being the best person I can be. I have to trust that my God and Goddess will take care of the rest.
Luna By The Lake With Cake 