Ah, that thing everyone and their mother has been talking about but it’s 100% real, last night my fiancé found a cockroach in our apartment and that was kind of the last straw for me. It’s been a struggle just to keep up with basic tasks and although our house isn’t terrible the fact that I keep forgetting to take the trash out resulted in that felt awful! It’s so tempting and easy to try and beat myself up for that, I’ll admit it. I cried.
This whole year has been so emotionally overwhelming and I am working a lot in therapy on just personal stuff right now but having the pandemic be an entire year for me in about a week I’ve been really feeling the emotional effects, I am blessed to still have a job and be rather financially stable something that I had never dreamed of being able to say at 23. (I guess college is good for something) however keeping up with self-care and housework has felt near impossible especially with my partner also feeling burned out.
I want to try to look at myself with compassion and ask what I need to do what I have to maintain my home and that is a self compassionate instinct that I am so grateful for but the pull of an old familiar shame tugs on me from time to time. I then can something feel shame about the shame, growing up neurodivergent can make care tasks a major source of guilt which just worsens the ability to keep up with it because it’s no longer just about the dishes it’s about the guilt about the dishes and it just spirals.
So I’m making a plan of action and trying to find new ways to restock my spoons in this time that steals so many of them, I’ll try to find what gives me energy and go from there. I’m hoping to make a more solid system with my cutie when I get home and to block out more rest times for myself
Luna By The Lake With Cake 