How Vlogtober is going, and why I need to stop talking myself down from my dreams

I have been extremely busy on my Youtube channel and it has been so much fun! However a couple days ago I started to get demotivated even though the reception to my vlogtober content has been even better than I could have ever imagined. I actually hit 100 subscribers, my new years resolution long before the actual new year and yet…. I started having less and less energy to film content. Part of that is that it is indeed very difficult to film and upload videos every day for a month while I am also working a full time job.

However, I think a part of my is scared of actually succeeding at what I want. There’s always been expectations in my life that I would be the “successful” child and that all that my parents put themselves through is so I could live the lives they never had. I’m the child of a whole group of teenage parents who did their best but put a lot of pressure on me and that pressure often contradicted itself making it very hard for me to actually know what I wanted. Now that I am an adult it’s becoming clearer and clearer to me what I want to be in life, and what I want to be is an entertainer, that’s what makes my soul light up. I want to be an artist, youtuber, model, blogger, voice actress, fashion designer and whenever I admitted that to myself I would always tell myself I was being unrealistic and that that wasn’t a respectable thing to want to be and I would keep pushing myself to do the “sensible” thing. I don’t want to be sensible, I want to dream and that’s okay.

I think it is important to have a plan and to go about what I want in a way that will support me, for example I am saving up an emergency fund and will keep my current job until I would be able to safely sustain myself on other income but that doesn’t mean that I can’t work towards those goals. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I even got back into music again recently. I have my fiance to thank for a lot of this, he is a the prince of pep talks and although this feeling has been bubbling inside me for awhile it finally clicked when he said that it was okay to have grandiose life goals and to see your life as stepping stones but if that changes that’s okay too and I am so grateful I have him. So I’ll choose to dare to dream again.