I had some thoughts the other day while filming a youtube video and looking back on my time in Lolita Fashion, I joined right after the end of the livejournal days and when there were still a lot of big name Lolita fashion blogs active. I joined when Princess Peachie still posted videos about the fashion regularly. I have been actively participating in the community for 4 years and started wearing the fashion on my own 5 years ago. However, I now just barely feel like I have cobbled together a fully functional wardrobe. I know logically that lolita fashion takes time to collect due to the cost and how small the pieces are compared to my mid size frame. However, it still sometimes leaves me feeling like some kind of a fraud somehow.
I recently have started making lolita fashion content under the username lilianarowena pretty exclusively although that’s been my online presence for many years now and I am starting to see some traction in gaining a following which I am so grateful for. I really want to make making content a big part of my life and if things continue the way they have been there could be a chance! Then the good old impostor syndrome kicks in, I only have 3 pairs of tea parties and I still have so many accessories to collect, how can I call myself a lolita? How can I even begin to share my experiences with others when I don’t have that perfectly curated wardrobe that I’ve always dreamed of? But I feel like maybe that’s why I should share my experiences and that there is more to being a lolita than just the clothing.
I think there’s space in the online community for those who are in the middle or even just beginning their journey with the fashion, I would love to see more of it! It can be really scary as things often seem nitpicky online but I think it would be worth it. I also, as a lifestyle lolita believe that being a lolita also has to do with who you are as a person, not just the clothing you wear. I think for me that means doing your best to live your life like a princess or maiden or other romantic idea you wish to dream with. I think being a lolita is being able to romanticize your own life while still being kind and helpful to those around you. This doesn’t mean you should be a doormat, in fact I think demonstrating healthy boundaries is a very royal thing to do. Do no harm, but take no shit. Being a lolita is knowing that you can treat yourself and treasure yourself and in no way is that selfish, those who truly treasure you will know that. I have found so much in myself by being a part of this community and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Living in this kind of a way has allowed my to become overall a stronger person and overcome things that would have crushed me otherwise. It has also allowed me to delight the people around me. I have been getting my apartment set up and my choice to let myself decorate to my hearts content without constraint has made my friends day. I have an old oak bureau covered in fairy lights and butterflies, I put glow stars in my bedroom so that when I go to sleep I have the night sky with me. I have cherry blossom decorations across doorways and pink beaded curtains and when I get home to my apartment it feels like my own little palace even if in reality I am an entry level worker with her first job right out of college in the middle of a pandemic. I am transported to a new reality and I am able to take others with me there. I don’t want to let go of this part of me as I grow. I know that I may not always see life this way but for now I want to dream big and treasure these feelings I have.
As a little girl I dreamed I was a long lost princess, I didn’t have very good memory before the age of 9 so it seemed plausible to me. Some of my favorite movies were The Princess Diaries and like Mia, I was waiting to be told that I was the future ruler of Genovia. Anastasia is still my favorite animated princess. Unfortunately as time wore on, these things never turned out to be true. Then I found this fashion and realized that even if I wasn’t actual royalty I could become a princess in the sense that I always wanted to. Someone who was kind, strong, beautiful and cared about other people. Someone who could treasure and care for herself and saw herself as the beautiful gem she was. I had really bad self esteem when I was younger. I acted like the version of myself that I thought other people wanted. I would morph into whoever anyone wanted me to be. I just wanted to be loved, and never felt that I was. I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved, so I never really wanted to be anything. I just wanted to escape to where I felt like I was at home, but I never really knew where that was. Then I saw this fashion for the first time and it was like getting to meet myself for the very first time. I saw the culture that surrounded it and when I read the pages these women wrote I saw myself reflected and transformed. I saw it and whispered quietly in my heart “That…. that’s who I want to be….”
I’ve been on a mission to become that ever since. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I’m there but perhaps the journey is more important than the end goal in this case. I love running this blog, as it really reminds me of the time period that I first got into lolita fashion. I hope to keep posting more in the future. Thank you for listening to my thoughts. Have a wonderful day
Liliana
Luna By The Lake With Cake 